So now that my Saturday game has been cancelled, I can get onto the higher priority activity of the final match report of the season. Cameron, take note.

[Any resemblance to real people is entire intentional and if anyone from the government pays any attention to this they really should have better things to do]

With a number of players from the team having had their talents recognised, we leveraged the depth of talent in the club to ensure a competitive match. The game was characterised by a tight defense taking full advantage of the combination of guile and speed of our front line.

Rishi Sunak (aka Daniel Mohammedbhai, similar features but lacking somewhat in height) played a pivotal role, constantly looking for the best possible position from which to launch an attack. Together with Michael Gove (aka Sam Parkes) they couldn’t move quickly enough to take advantage of the opportunities from the opposite midfielders.

Solidity from the middle of the pitch was supplemented by Priti Patel (aka Chris Oglethorpe) on the far right who soon rounded on anyone who was about to abuse our hospitality with some firm tackling and commanding organisation at their long corners.

The game stayed very tight with Nadhim Zahawi (aka Andy Fenn) being once again the only person who did anything of value over the last 2 years, sorry, first half. Great command of the back line at both short corners and in open play kept the defence extremely solid. Ably assisted by Sajid Javid (aka Kieren Fenn) who even at this very last minute was happy to step into a pivotal role. And like Sajid, Kieran got dismissed for no good reason by an unreasoning and inflexible umpiring team (saying that, it was only a green card).

Nicola Sturgeon (aka Lucas Parkes) extremely confident in her (his?) own ability and now continuing to look for opportunities to take over other positions on the pitch, held the defensive line very well. But as per so much of what we’ve seen recently, he was quick to blame others when it came to the short corner. “The ball wasn’t stopped in front of me”. Remember Lucas, it’s all about taking responsibility.

No known members of parliament currently sport a mullet, but Angela Rayner’s (aka Felix Rushton) combative position defending on the left stymied (and slightly intimidated) the opposition. Whilst the defensive line seemed firmly fixed, it was important to bring back the wild card, Kenneth Clark (aka Sammy Groth) from the 6s. Never has more communication and absolute randomness in their ideological positioning been matched by a St Albans player.

Apart from, that is, Liz Truss (aka Oscar Pegrum). With unflappable enthusiasm and a complete disregard for strategy, premeditated planning, or what anyone else on the pitch was doing, Oscar’s ‘you’ll never know what I’ll do next because neither will I’ approach to playing the game completely cut up the opposition.

Halfway through the second half, we saw this in its best possible light. After Rishi / Daniel persuaded the opposition they really wanted to go to the right, BoJo (Taza) followed his rule of ‘do as I say not as I do’ by smacking the long ball through the middle.

With a beautiful reverse pick, Liz/Oscar ran the ball past a player, and then laid it off to Gavin Williamson (aka Dom Fenn). Now, Gavin/Dom’s had a hard time of it recently; he too was accused of screwing up a perfectly good shot on goal. But in this instance, Gavin/Dom’s receipt and chip over the keeper to lay onto the pass of Liz/Oscar’s shot on goal was sublime. Take the honours, Gavin/Dom!

The fearsome combination of experience up front combined with another speedster, Kwasi Kwarteng (aka Simon Jennings), who is not likely to be hanging around BEIS, sorry the 7s, for much longer. They pinned the opposition down throughout the 2nd half, leaving more and more space in the opposition pitch to leverage.

A wonderful end to the season and unfortunately, unlike Boris, Taza will be stepping down. It’s been a brilliant season and a fantastic game to end on.